I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
