My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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