my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
