i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
