No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
