i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
