she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
