I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Houston, we have a squirter
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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