A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
