cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
