Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
