i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i came on her dog
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
