Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
