I think my fart just growled at me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
