Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
