two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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