dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
