he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
