The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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