I heard we made out
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
