piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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