someone threw a dead crab at me
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
