I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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