I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
