I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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