I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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