Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
