I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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