I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
