ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A+ Viking dick
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
