I'm gonna have a badass scar
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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