My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize