The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
