My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize