I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
