I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
