Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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