fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
