Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
wow bdsm is so cute
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
