Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
