You made me cry and you don't even care
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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