I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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