It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
