Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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