New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
