Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
