you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
