it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize