I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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