call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He passed out mid-signature
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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