y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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