Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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