I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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