I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
