Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
