I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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