I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
