I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
