i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
