You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
