Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
