after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We need to get me chipped asap
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
