I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she woke up with a sticky ear
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
