You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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