Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize