How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
