god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
