I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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