I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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