having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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