Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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